If you haven’t already read my previous blog Are You Enabling Energy Vampires in Your Life? please go ahead and do that before reading the below. Otherwise, if you’re already familiar with energy vampires and are looking for ways to protect yourself, break the pattern of attracting energy vampires or simply get rid of these toxic people then read on because no one deserves to have their life sucked out of them!
Let’s get straight to it shall we?
Here are some tips:
1. Heal your emotional wounds
Emotional wounds (all of which stem from childhood) create holes in your aura (which is your natural energetic field). It is through these energetic holes that you leak your energy and take on other people’s emotions. So naturally, the way to stop this from happening permanently is to heal your emotional wounds. By doing this you break the pattern FOREVER and stop attracting these types of people. Just be aware that you may have more than one wound but the more you heal the less likely you will attract toxic people or energy vampires.
2. Establish boundaries
As you heal your emotional wounds you will naturally establish energetic boundaries without even trying or having to say anything, the holes in your auric field will seal up and you will no longer attract people that used to suck your energy from that open emotional wound. What I have found is that even if people try to violate your boundaries you will see right through it, you will feel confident in setting a boundary with love, you won’t react and it won’t drain you either because the hole is sealed, you are more whole, so they literally do not have access to sucking your energy or emotions.
Having said this, if you are in the process of emotional healing, you can still start the healing process intellectually by reflecting upon your personal boundaries and how they are being violated by these energy vampires. Once you discover this, write down some tangible boundaries you can set up and start taking action. Whether it’s saying NO when you mean it, stop sharing your positive news so these energy vampires can’t cut your energy, changing the subject every time they start non-stop complaining, or sharing that you don’t feel comfortable when they put other people down in front of you in a heavily judgmental way and you will no longer listen to this because it is between them and the other person to resolve. Set boundaries.
No matter how scared you feel, remember you are the only one that can set boundaries for yourself — no one is going to do this for you. By not setting boundaries, you are energetically and unconsciously telling these energy vampires “it’s ok to violate my boundaries, treat me like this!”. This is actually an act of love to set boundaries: towards yourself because you deserve your energy to be respected, and towards them because they deserve that you’re truthful with them. So please don’t feel guilty or believe anyone saying you’re egotistical when you do, that’s the emotionally mature thing to do.
3. Speak your truth
Ok, so this is a tricky one depending on what type of energy vampire you are dealing with and whom they represent to you, as the energy vampire could be your boss and if this is the case are you willing to risk losing your job? This is where your own objective judgment needs to come in.
I once had to build the courage to speak my truth to a non-stop talking vampire. I shared that it was draining me, that I felt there was no space for me to speak, no space for me to even get a word in and when I did, I had to rush what I had to say to quickly get my point across or share my experiences in few words — and this was draining me. I wasn’t allowed space to be me, to express myself and my experiences, thoughts, viewpoints fully. Thankfully, it went very well with this friend and created more trust, more respect and it deepened our connection as a result.
Obviously, use your discernment here. Sometimes, silence is the best answer, simply walking away, firing them as a friend if you need to (see #6 below) or start setting some rock-solid boundaries and following through with them as above.
If you decide to speak your truth, make sure you are doing this from a loving space, owning your emotions, speaking from the “I” perspective, not judging them or projecting blame as after all, it takes two to tango.
4. Adopt the “Grey Rock” technique – no more validating their toxicity!
Whatever type of energy vampire you are dealing with, they are essentially seeking toxic validation. Even if you still have emotional wounds to heal, you can still start adopting the grey rock technique by making a conscious choice to withdraw any toxic emotional validation at the moment you notice this vampiristic dynamic happening and become fully present in the interaction. Be the observer and simply notice and watch their actions, behaviours and what they say — but do not react. The only way to do the grey rock if you still have deep emotional wounds from my personal experience is to bring your attention to the present moment and be fully present. This, at least for me, created an energetic boundary and gave me the space to own my emotional wound and not validate their toxicity. I was observing the shadow dynamics consciously, which starts to take its power away. Initially, this may take some conscious effort on your part — what I do is focus on my breath and what I am feeling inside my body while being the observer.
Notice if you do get any emotional reactions and make a mental note of these reactions. In particular, what emotion is being triggered within you? That is where your emotional hole is! This is where they are sucking your emotions and energy from and so this is where you will need to do some inner digging and process emotions to seal the wound. In my coaching sessions, this is the majority of the work I do with my clients: we explore an emotional wound they are aware they have & we go to the root of it so it can be released permanently.
The grey rock technique is a great tool to start with but if you truly want to heal, the real work is processing your emotional wounds because once this is done and healed, no technique or effort is needed to establish boundaries and they will be unable to suck your energy no matter how hard they try!! For me, this is true soul empowerment, no technique, no effort — just a natural consequence of you healing yourself and in doing so lovingly, stepping into your power where you don’t even have to enforce anything.
5. Have NO expectations!
Whatever you decide to do, say or how you set your boundaries, don’t expect them to change or even listen to you. Expectations, in general, are not loving. It is based on a belief on how you think things ought to be or should be.
When you have expectations of someone, you are in essence saying “I want you to be the way I want you to be” and not allowing them to truly be themselves – even if they are energy vampires. Hence, having expectations of people is actually unloving in itself. Expectations stem from deep emotional needs that were not met in childhood and as an adult, you then project these unmet needs (which are emotional wounds) onto others.
It’s not easy to let go of expectations as it’s very much ego-driven, and the wounded ego never wants to be wrong. It wants what it wants… I have found the more you heal your emotional wounds, the less expectation you have and this, of course, is healthy, loving and allows you to hold the space for people to be who they are because you’ve embraced who you were with your wound.
So while on your healing journey, learn to own your projected expectations because holding on to expectations just means you are setting yourself up for disappointment. Letting go of expectations, even if it is an intellectual awareness first, allows you to be fully present for whatever is actually happening in your life now, allowing you to respond rather than react. And you’ll realize that you don’t need anyone to be a certain way for you to feel well or be happy — you’ll gradually let go of codependency.
Letting go of expectations of people, in particular, will allow you to connect with them on a much deeper level, meeting them where they are on their journey as you give them space to be who they are — even if they are deeply wounded energy vampires.
Commit to being true to yourself with no expectations of others. By doing this, you break negative patterns and open yourself up to having more loving relationships. If you can’t be your authentic self with someone, then you are simply in a false shadow relationship, meeting each other’s emotional addictions. Sure, the other person may be completely unaware of their expectations of you and their vampiristic behaviours, but at least by doing your inner work you can give them the space to see themselves and empower them with an opportunity to do the same.
6. Fire them as your friend
I’m sad to say that sometimes, those whom you think are your friends do not want what’s best for you — especially if you are on the path of truth, healing and spiritual growth. Some people just don’t want to grow and evolve and that’s their choice. However, what’s sad is that they tend to want you to stay in that emotional state with them.
From my experience — specifically with narcissistic vampires — I have found there is not much use in speaking your truth or even setting boundaries. Most narcissistic vampires don’t respect your boundaries even after you set one, they may react in full-on rage when you do, they twist things when you share your truth and then project it onto you and make a big drama about your truth (making it about them and making themselves the victim) which can turn ugly, emotionally abusive and crazy-making. I have often just walked away and fired these narcissistic vampires as a friend and went completely no contact. With work acquaintances, I have simply kept them at a distance… a very long distance! Since I may have to be social at work events I chose not to say anything but also not engage, just keeping things polite but my boundaries ROCK SOLID.
If you feel this is extreme and you are not able to fire some of these energy vampires, then start by simply setting boundaries as mentioned above, limit your time with them and you will slowly start to feel better and see the dynamics more clearly and how to handle them.
But, being the devil’s advocate here, I would question what are you afraid of? Are you staying in the relationship out of fear? If so, then you are living in fear and this is not empowering. It’s still in essence, affecting you and draining your energy, making you play small and diminish your light. What is it you truly fear? What are you making this mean about you or the relationship? If this really is the case, then do some deep inner work on healing these emotional wounds because this, my lovely one, will keep you from truly standing in your power.
7. You are not responsible for their emotional condition or their problems!
Lastly, are not responsible for anyone else’s emotions.
An interaction that requires you to sacrifice yourself in any way — whether it is by making yourself small and insignificant, giving your life force away or taking on other people’s emotion is not loving.
Loving relationships are always truthful, harmonious in their dynamics and empowering — even if you are sharing truth about the other person’s emotional addiction or your own emotional wounds. Those who truly love you and want your best at heart will not hate you for speaking the truth or setting boundaries. In fact, they will love and respect you even more! This ultimately creates more trust and a deeper connection with real friends and family members who also want to grow in love. And if they don’t love and respect you more for having had the courage to be honest and vulnerable in a loving way, then they were most definitely not a true friend or loving family member, to begin with. They are not there yet on their healing journey and you are which means neither of you are a good fit to have any kind of relationship together at the moment. Giving the relationship some space and time for people to grow is also a possibility, you never know they could heal and change in a year or two which may bring you close again in the future. This may sound very harsh but it’s the truth and it’s accepting this that sets you free.
It’s important to also be humble enough to see yourself in this context, where are you energetically draining others? You could be the energy vampire in someone else’s life, reflect on that! I know I was too at some point and when I came to this realization, I then took the necessary steps to own my emotions, set boundaries for myself when I felt this impulse to vampirize others by seeking their approval or validation and break this negative pattern.
If you’re just getting started on your healing journey I am aware this work is not easy to do alone so if you would like some personalized guidance in doing some of this deep inner work I offer coaching sessions if you want to do this work with me.
All techniques and information I share are considered coaching, self-help or complementary therapies. I am not a licensed psychologist, psychiatrist or medical doctor, I have a degree in Health Sciences in Complementary Therapies. Everything I write and talk about comes mainly from my own experience in healing myself and the tools, techniques and resources I learned throughout my own inner journey.