I’m about to hit you with some hardcore truths, so if you haven’t been emotionally abused you may be shocked that there are people out there that actually do this.
But if you have suffered from everything I have talked about in some of my previous blogs, this will hit home.
If you’re reading this I’m assuming that you either have been emotionally abused and are becoming aware of its damaging effects on your psyche.
Or you have a sense that something is off, you may feel a little paranoid and that perhaps there’s something wrong with you, at least that’s what they (emotional abusers) make you believe.
It may comfort you to know you are not crazy. That there are others, like myself, who have experienced horrendous “psychotic-making” emotional abuse and overcome it.
Yes, of course, there are always things to work on otherwise I would have ascended to the next dimension by now.
You must understand though that emotional abusers, manipulators, and narcissists are not looking to resolve an issue, come to some sort of understanding with you or even heal themselves…
In fact, inner work or looking inside their own consciousness terrifies them.
They are looking to blame you!
They have no desire or interest in looking within! This is precisely why they are “sick”, in the shamanic view their soul is sick.
Pathological narcissists, manipulators or emotional abusers are oblivious to the harm they cause others, they are also in complete denial about it and will justify their “emotional abuse” saying you triggered them!
They cannot take responsibility or be held accountable for anything they do or say… and so it’s all projected at you.
If you are an empath or a highly sensitive person (HSP), which if you have been emotionally abused then you most probably are, you will most certainly feel their projected emotions and it may even make you feel “heavy”, tired or just off-balance after being around emotional abusers.
Even when it’s their fault or wrongdoing or when there is a clear ethical or moral issue…
When it comes to morals, you have to simply trust your heart and know your values, because they have none.
This is one place I see clients get stuck a lot after emotional abuse, the “I can’t understand why he/she acts like this..” or the “why would someone do that“… “why can’t they acknowledge my emotions“. If you try to understand them or their actions, you will be stuck there forever and never get to a point of actually healing yourself or unhooking yourself from their projection.
The healing part is about you, not them, which is really to understand yourself and why you are “hooked”.
So take Plato and Socrates advice to heart and seriously get to “know thyself” – it will save you.
So on your road to recovery from emotional abuse, I would like to share with you 4 classic tactics emotional abusers, manipulators, and narcissists use to “try” to destroy you, unbalance you, make you doubt yourself, distort your perception of reality to make you literally go nuts leading you to your own self-destruction.
Being aware of these tactics, you will learn to see through them, to “see in the dark” because darkness is all around us. It’s in the people who are choosing not to wake up, those who are choosing not to do their inner work, those who refuse to go within and process their suppressed emotions, that play out their emotional wounds and the ones who are so so scared of the destructive process of enlightenment, which essentially is the journey we are all on.
When you can learn to see in the dark in this way, you stand as a light for those who are still asleep and yearning to start their soul journey.
And when you become the light, no matter how dark it gets around you, you stand in your truth and there is nothing to be scared of because when you stand in your truth without the need of anyone’s approval or acknowledgment or the need to prove yourself to be right – you are free.
4 Tactics Emotional Abusers Use to Hook You:
Yep! Straight up, shameless denial, so don’t be fooled.
This will start with little things that you said or they said and is precisely how your perception of reality starts to get distorted.
They will say one thing one day and the next day they will say they never said that.
Emotional manipulators are so “emotionally convinced” of this that the emotional charge of their denial is what makes you doubt yourself.
This, my lovely one, is where all the doubts creep in over time and where the “crazy-making” begins.
YOU obviously being the crazy one!
You cannot resolve anything when someone is in denial or straight-up denies things they have said or even done when there is nothing “tangible”, you have no proof. Your best bet, in this case, is to be the observer. Be fully present in the moment and watch as their unconscious wounds play out through their persona.
On some level, you being a witness of their shadow without any judgment does have an effect on their consciousness.
Whether they choose to embrace the truth and face themselves or not is ultimately their choice.
Manipulators, emotional abusers, and narcissists cannot accept their flaws. They have a false sense of self-importance and superiority. They cannot fathom feeling “less than”, being wrong or humiliated in any way. Even if it’s not meant in a mean, negative way but rather as a way to resolve a miscommunication issue for example.
Know that this actually stems from their deep heart wounds rooted in shame and instead of looking within with humility to process these hurts so that they too can embark on this soul journey of self-discovery…
They will project it onto you.
Ultimately they reject any negative traits or attributes and will punish you for making them feel shame or guilty as you scratch the surface of those emotional wounds.
So know that it’s not you when they are projecting it’s totally them.
What you need to be concerned with is your “reaction”. Your internal reaction, no matter how big or small, to their projection is what you need to work on and where you do your inner work. This is part of your healing and your responsibility.
Once again, in these moments stay present. Ross Rosenburg uses a similar technique I learned while reading one of Carlos Castenada’s books, he suggests the “observe don’t absorb technique“! Learning to be fully present in these challenging moment with emotional abusers will change your life.
3. Character Assassination
When an emotional abuser or narcissist no longer has power or control over you they will do all they can to assassinate your character.
They do this by attacking your reputation, spreading lies and twisting the truth about what really happened, and sharing negative stories about you to others.
As hard as this is to swallow, especially when the emotional abuser posed as your “friend” or is a family member or ex-lover, do your best not to react or follow the same footsteps in trying to prove yourself because you will look like the “bad” one. This is actually what they want, an emotional reaction to make you look crazy and emotionally unstable.
By seeding a negative perception of you to your acquaintances, friends, and family they feel better about themselves, make you look bad and they feel superior, in control or having some sort of power over you and make themselves the victim in the eyes of the public.
So whatever they say about you let them speak.
Know who you are in your heart and know that that’s enough.
Those that can see through the darkness will see you, the real you and trust you regardless of what “they said”.
Stay in your center because you have nothing to prove to them or anyone.
“The work” remember is always within not out there.
Gaslighting, for those of you who don’t know, is when the emotional abuser/narcissists attack everything about you, in particular, your values and beliefs. They do this through the mind, by manipulating your perception of reality and do it by also triggering emotions of guilt and shame in you around your values, in order to gain control over you and get you to bend and mold and do what they want you to do.
This is, basically, mind control.
It is a psychological attack, you are at literally at war psychologically and don’t even know it…
Until you have your awakening!
Gaslighting can happen slowly over a long period of time.
They start gently, with small things that you most likely will brush off. And this is where it’s dangerous…
Because they are covertly chipping away your sanity and planting seeds of self-doubt until one day you actually start to think “maybe I’m losing it?”
They use tactics within gaslighting such as the ones mentioned above denial, projection as well as reverse projection, purposely forgetting conversations/dates/experiences also known as toxic amnesia, dismissing or belittling your emotions, lying, acting dumb, playing ignorant, making themselves the victim and all sorts.
They will constantly attack what they know is close to your heart…
They will take what you value most and use it to add more gas to their gaslighting.
Then all of a sudden they will throw in something positive things, make statements to show they are “being considerate” to throw you off and confuse you. Like “I still love you” or “I forgive you though” or “I know this is hard for you and that you have issues so take the time you need to reflect on this, I understand you need space.”
If you continue to buy into this, it can literally drive you crazy.
This tactic of gaslighting is how they ware you down over time, and by the time you realize what the hell is going on in the relationship you have no power or energy left to stand your ground.
I experienced severe paranoia and acted crazy when I was “asleep” and “under the spell” of narcissists.
It’s really not a nice place to be. I felt lost, alone and completely in the dark.
I was so confused and seriously thought maybe I am crazy? Maybe I am the one that’s not perceiving things correctly? Maybe there’s something wrong with me?
This is why it is said that with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), it is the only condition where the patient is left alone and everyone else is treated.
When you wake up from the narcissistic or emotional abuser’s spell in a moment like this, go into your heart. Connect to God or whomever you believe in even if it’s your higher self and pray.
Pray from your heart – this is what I did because I honestly didn’t know what else to do.
I had lost myself.
So all I could do is surrender and pray from my heart.
Your Soul has infinite strength, strength you cannot even imagine you have.
When you can ground yourself in your Soul and stay anchored within your own heart, you will find yourself and this will heal you.
Know that this is a test.
The biggest soul lesson of your life in learning to trust yourself, to stop buying into the illusion and to stand in your power.
“They” actually have no power over you, only the power you give to them.
And this is what they fear you will one day find out.
So I will leave you with this quote..
“You’ve always had the power my dear, you just had to learn it for yourself.” – The Wizard of Oz
If you need support on your healing journey and want more personalized guidance check out my Intuitive Coaching & Emotional Healing Sessions and let’s get you started on getting your life back.
All techniques and information I share are considered coaching, self-help or complementary therapies. I am not a licensed psychologist, psychiatrist or medical doctor, I have a degree in Health Sciences in Complementary Therapies. Everything I write and talk about comes mainly from my own experience in healing myself and the tools, techniques, and resources I learned throughout my own inner journey.
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Thank you, Melany. I am actually going through this with my mother. She’s been a narcissist since I’ve turned 18. Now I’m 33. She has exhibited every narcissistic behavior mentioned in this article.
Mom’s a bible thumper that has ‘a word from the Lord’ on everything except when it comes to starting an argument with me as soon as I walk into the room. When I ignore her..she complains about that. It’s a losing situation. I’m studying from home during the pandemic. My mom is retired due to a coronavirus outbreak at the hospital.
Thank you for sharing. That’s interesting, I’ve had the same experience with my mother who would also preach about forgiveness and God a lot while still continuing to emotionally, mentally and physically abusing me. I could never wrap my head around this.
I’m not sure where you are on your healing journey but one thing I had to give up along the way was hope… hope that my mother would change, hope that she would one day see me, validate me and acknowledge her wrong-doings and repent for all the pain she caused and hope that she actually loves me (this was a big one). I had to grieve not having a mother, I grieved this from the depths of my soul. I’m making this brief but it was a long process with lots of in-betweens 🙂
As I was healing, I started to slowly reconnect with my worth and being more loving and kind to myself which lead me to start setting boundaries with her which didn’t go down well, speaking my truth which also didn’t go down well and again I was gaslighted, dismissed, belittled etc. I tried many times to talk but it was always a losing situation as you said so overtime I started to distance myself, and sadly, I had no choice but to go no contact.
I guess I’m sharing this to say I do feel you and hope that you too one day have the courage to love yourself enough to choose you – not from the wounded place of blame or projection but out of love for yourself and for your mother because allowing her to continue to abuse you in this way is enabling her and keeping her stuck in her patterns.
I’d like to share this poem I wrote, I think it may resonate: