How to Start Healing Your Emotional Self:
Over the years of working with hundreds of women supporting their healing process, there is one thing that has been recurrent in my observations…
Emotional trauma is the common thread that keeps clients stuck.
Most people understand the general concept of trauma but don’t necessarily know the scope of it or the depths and impact it has on a person’s psyche in particular with emotional trauma so they’re stuck before they even get started healing their emotional self.
Emotional trauma is a form of abuse that is often dismissed by friends, family and sometimes even healers, therapists and psychologists (shocking I know). It can even be disregarded by the victim themselves!
Emotional trauma is created when your emotional needs are neglected. It can be caused when your emotions are dismissed and your feelings completely disregarded and disqualified. Whatever you feel is basically treated as not important by those closest to you, not acknowledged, belittled, made to be shameful or wrong as well as said to be exaggerated.
Because of the nature of this type of abuse being more subjective since it’s your words and emotions against theirs… Emotional abuse is something that can go on and on undetected and yet it has one of the most profound negative effects on the victim’s psyche for years after.
The aftermath of emotional abuse ripples out and can affect every area of the victim’s life; love & relationships, money, career and yes physical health too.
It has the ability to literally destroy every ounce of self-esteem you have, leaving you feeling helpless, hopeless and what’s worse feeling like there’s something wrong with you.
These deep wounds, that most people are not able to heal, that is also embedded in physical trauma, is ALWAYS emotional hurt, pain and invalidation.
Beneath the beating is humiliation and powerlessness.
Under neglect is worthlessness and the pain of not being seen.
Buried in sexual abuse is shame.
Thrown into verbal insults is the wound of not being good enough.
Mix in some mind games of denial by the abuser and you become the paranoid crazy one!
And I’ll tell you if you manage to survive all that, you’re not just a survivor, you are a flipping ‘psyche‘ warrior!
Emotional abuse ALMOST destroyed me. In fact, it made me want to destroy myself.
I thought it took everything I had…
Everything I thought I had anyway, but it did not take my Soul.
And when I finally reached rock bottom, thinking it was the end of me..
It was actually just the beginning.
So when a client comes in all sheepish, broken, feeble and a little paranoid, I feel it in my bones, I see it all over their energy field and can sense the signs a mile away.
My “mama-bear” therapist comes out in rage wanting to protect and defend them and their sanity.
To hold up their boundaries while I support and guide them in rebuilding their own.
When it comes to emotional abuse, and guiding you on the journey of healing your emotional self, it has nothing to do with the techniques I use or the list of certificates I have. It has nothing to do with my degree or diploma…
It has to do with the depths I am willing to go emotionally to acknowledge your wound because I have been there already and I know that the emotional pain you are feeling (or suppressing) and need to feel to process the trauma to set you free will not be your destruction…
That is merely the barrier to your true self-emergence.
So I stand as a guide, an anchor for those who choose to dive into this darkness of emotional pain that feels like it has no end.
As I have always said, the only way out is through!
So if you sense there is still something there but can’t put your finger on it, if something just feels off because there was nothing “physical” or severely traumatic in your adult eyes, consider emotional trauma and/or abuse. Perhaps it was subtle or covert. Or maybe it was as consistent or severe, nevertheless, trauma is trauma. So don’t dismiss it or it will control and direct your entire life.
Emotional abuse being undefinable and subjective is the main reason it is very often dismissed or not taken seriously.
Emotional abuse that happens repeatedly, even daily for years on end is complex as it’s not one single event. This is in fact now known as CPTSD; Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
The complexity of this type of emotional trauma means that the healing also needs to be multidimensional. You need to acknowledge and process the emotion, reprogram the subconscious, rebalance the body, restore the damaged psyche amongst other things.
So no wonder it took me 10 years of learning all the modalities out there to finally heal, little by little.
It’s not easy, but it sure as hell is worth it.
See if you can relate to any of the below symptoms…
3 Signs You Need to Start Healing Your Emotional Self:
1. You Are a People Pleaser
You unconsciously want to be acknowledged, you say and do things to be pleasing to anyone who comes your way to get this approval, sometimes and often to your detriment. This plays out as being a people pleaser.
Your actions, your behaviors, and even your decisions can be influenced by this need to be liked, accepted, and belong. You may even neglect your own personal needs to put others’ needs first, constantly going out of your own way for others. You were actually programmed to do this.
You are basically validating your feelings, thoughts, and beliefs about yourself from others.
This stems from emotional neglect and invalidation as a child. The trauma of not being seen or acknowledged emotionally as a child is what keeps your wounded child constantly looking for someone to “see” you and validate you.
It is the pain of not having your emotional wound acknowledged that you are trying to compensate and have seen in order to validate yourself as a human being and your worthiness.
And this is the trap.
Whether it is at work, from friends or from a loved one, you must approve of yourself from within.
In order to do this, you must first heal the emotional trauma that created this…
One by one.
There may be a tendency to deny this painful truth, to say your parents did the best they could, and yes I’m sure they did.
Nevertheless, the emotional pain you feel is there so if you cannot accept this truth of not being validated at some point then you may never fully start healing your emotional self.
Acknowledge the depth of this pain accept this hurtful truth and you will be set free.
2. You Constantly Doubt Yourself
You basically lack self-esteem which creates all the self-doubt. Your self-esteem was chipped away word by word repetitively and perhaps over a long period of time.
Contrary to the saying “sticks and stones may break my bone but names will never hurt me”, words are extremely powerful.
Verbal abuse can break your heart.
Verbal insults do hurt – physically. This has actually been scientifically proven but I won’t get into this now.
Having your emotions constantly invalidated is another core cause of self-doubt and low self-esteem. Verbal abuse in childhood will imprint the child’s psyche with all those words since your subconscious is still in process of development.
Verbal insults, in particular, will create the negative voice you hear inside your head. This then leads to an inner critic in adult life which is constantly working against you, putting you down and saying horrible thoughts about yourself inside your own head… all the time!
This negative voice inside your head, in essence, is not yours. It’s what your parents or the abuser made you believe about you.
Instead of healthily moving forwards and growing, you will be doubting yourself, your abilities, always feel insecure and never believe in yourself enough to go after your dreams.
You have unconsciously agreed to the verbal insults. You have bought into what “they” said about you. And now it’s inside your head.
To quieten this voice takes dedication, persistence, and patience. It takes repetition.
You will have to constantly remind yourself that those are not your thoughts and reprogram your subconscious mind with new more positive and healthier thoughts about yourself.
Before reprogramming though, the emotional wound must be processed and acknowledged, otherwise, you can reframe and say affirmations all you’d not ar because the wound is still within you.
Validate that wound, know that you are enough, and start your positive affirmations to wire that beautiful mind of yours for success, health, wealth, and happiness. You are worthy.
3. You Are Highly Triggered
When you react to a person or situation and it’s a full-blown behavioral and intense visceral feeling, meaning you really feel it in your bones and are overtaken by the emotion, you are actually experiencing an emotional flashback.
This is NOT feeling a negative emotion because you have been clearly betrayed or had your boundaries violated in the moment. Feeling negative emotions is a natural response in situations like these and is appropriate under these circumstances.
An emotional flashback is different in the sense that it’s an over the top reaction, explosive, dramatic and almost like the emotion takes over your whole persona. Sometimes for something that is actually, dare I say it, not that bad. Looking back you can see you overreacted.
Your body is responding as if you are under attack or as if there is a “threat” of some sort when there is actually none. You over-react because the emotional wound from the past has been suppressed inside your body, and there is a whole lot of energy there! So when a present situation touches or even scratches the surface of that wound and makes you “feel” similar to when it was created…
You explode in rage, anger, drama and all those old emotions rise to the surface.
You are actually protecting the wound with your reaction, trying to defend yourself. Know that this is all psychological. Most people are completely unaware this is happening.
Very often the underlying feeling is one of injustice, it’s not fair and feeling victimised once again.
In order to start healing your emotional self, you must start noticing what triggers you, this is the first step in healing this sensitivity.
Write down your triggers and ask yourself how it makes you feel. Get clear on the actual emotion. Trace the emotion as far back as you can to explore the cause of these triggers.
Do your best to realise you are “reacting to the past” and not to the “present”.
Bring yourself and your awareness back into the now. Breathe. Be conscious. Stay present.
Know that you must go back and heal these deep wounds in order to stop being highly triggered.
Once you have processed that wound, you will have nothing to protect and hence you will no longer be triggered.
There are many other signs of emotional trauma and abuse, I was initially going to 5 signs but I realised this was getting a little long!
To give you an idea, other symptoms include things like paranoia, depression, social withdrawal and isolation, lack of boundaries or an inability to say no, being emotionally dependent or co-dependent as well as over-intellectualizing.
If you think you have some or any of the above, get in touch, I would love to support you on your transformational journey to healing your emotional self!
If you need support on your healing journey and want more personalized guidance check out my Intuitive Coaching & Emotional Healing Sessions and let’s get you started on getting your life back.
All techniques and information I share are considered coaching, self-help or complementary therapies. I am not a licensed psychologist, psychiatrist or medical doctor, I have a degree in Health Sciences in Complementary Therapies. Everything I write and talk about comes mainly from my own experience in healing myself and the tools, techniques, and resources I learned throughout my own inner journey.
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Thank you for sharing this
I really relate to this
I can’t believe I have just found this, it describes every in of my being right now, for the last 8 months i have been going exactly through this and could not work out what was going on with me, I have been going of my mind trying to work out what was so different with me this time, I feel in a place i never been to before and it scares the life out of me. I normally know what is affecting me or what is goung on with me and i can usually get back.on track using techniques and pushing myself but, this time it is different i feel totally emotionally destroyed but, now i know why, it is because the last 10 years i have emotionally abused by so many people at once and had to fight so many off emotionally it has left me feel emotionally destroyed but, am i to blame, when when so many people are fighting for a piece of you all at once and so many of them coming at once. Surely anyone would find this difficult to deal with when you are fighting back with all your emotional strength but, people will not listen or just push for more. I fought them all of bought now i am free of it i feel totally emotionally destroyed and have norhing left for myself, not even to help myself, i feel totally emotionally drained and no emotion left to even feel anyrhing for myself to even try to brush myself down and pick up the pieces, I don’t even know where to start and i feel in a very scary place in my mind like never before and emotionally destroyed and don’t have a clue how to get back from this.
All my life, I’ve been chewed up and spat out repeatedly just to try and please people. It’s become so unbearable that I almost took my own life on several occasions… I did not realize I had been traumatized until after reading this article. Especially from my Dad, who had verbally and emotionally dismissed my feelings and thoughts. Even now, he dismisses any feelings I have for anything, whether it be me transitioning or me trying to cope with life. I hate living… with a passion that burns hotter than the sun.
My hope after reading this article is to try and validate myself and my mental and emotional wounds after all the sludge spewed onto me from various bullies, coworkers, managers and even my own father.
When I read this, it was like you were writing about me. I have every sign on there plus the others tm you mentioned. I can’t pinpoint where my damage began but according to the signs I feel it stemmed from childhood. But i thought it started with my current boyfriend because he has brought horrible emotions in me that I don’t remember ever feeling before but at the same time I know im super damaged. If you can help me through this or help me to at least understand, I’d appreciate it so much.
Hi Terra, Thank you for sharing. All negative life and relationship patterns stem from childhood. What you are experiencing with your current boyfriend is a symptom of deep childhood emotional wounds and not the cause or start of your patterns, from my humble opinion and experience. I would highly recommend you explore inner child healing, more specifically emotional woundings from childhood. If my work resonates with you I would love to guide you, you can start with a Soul Reading, below is a link for you to read more:
Thank you for sharing this because, it has allowed me to find it and recognise exactly what is i am goung through right now and has given me my sanity back. Your knowledge and experience has really helped me to realise what has been goung on with me and gives me some peace in my mind, i thought I was goung insane but, you have me by sharing you knowledge and experience with me and i truly thank you for that, i would never have realised this otherwise. You don’t quite know what having your emotions dismissed can do to mentally or the pain and hurt it can cause until you have this knowledge and awareness so this has definately help me.
Thank you xxx
Me all over, and I can relate very much with Sammi.
I’m 56 and sooooo mentally and emotionally exhausted…
As you say too, even mental health workers – particularly most psychiatrists – have no understanding of any of this.
Thank you so much.
Thank you too.
This helped me so much… I was in an emotionally abusive relationship 10 years ago and I am still healing from it. I will not give up. THANK YOU!
You’re so welcome! All relationship patterns stem from childhood, heal your childhood wounds and you will heal the core of these patterns! I hope this helps.
Hi. For years I am struggling with my emotions, insecurities. My marriage fell appart 3 years ago, after 18 years. I am raising 2 kids on my own. I struggle each and every day. Asking myself did I
needed this. I feel hopeless, worthless. And I know untill I heal myself all my frustrations and insecurities will pass onto my kids. They already showing signs.
I love them with all my heart but I am emotionally blocked. My childhood was not an easy one either. Abusive father.
I am aware of my problems and I hope to find a’way to heal myself for my òwn good and good of my kids. I do not feel loved at all and cannot give love in a right way. But I carry so much emorions and love in my heart and soul and it is choking me. Need to release it somehow.
Thank you for sharing.
Are you seeing someone that can help you with this?
The key to healing these patterns is to process your emotional wounds. If you haven’t already, subscribe to my website and watch the Open Your Heart documentary I created, it may help you understand this process a bit better. Most of these patterns stem from childhood and since it’s been years of suppression it will take time to process all of your wounds so see this as a journey.
If my work resonates with you feel free to reach out.
I hope this helps!
I just wanted to say thank you. I am just now getting out of a 10 year relationship, 6 of those years were emotionally/verbally abusive. I’m still dealing with a lot, but I come back to this page daily to read because it is the most humble, and relateable article I’ve ever read. I’m getting counseling and still dealing with old and fresh wounds, but this definitely shines light and helps. <3
Hello! Do you use Twitter? I’d like to follow you if that would be okay. I’m absolutely enjoying your blog and look forward to new posts.
Hi Christopher, Thank you for your comment. No, I don’t use twitter. I have a FaceBook page and an Instagram account you can follow me on there. I will put the links below. I also just started a YouTube channel.
Thank you very much for this article. Just validated what I knew all along. Is it possible to heal from trauma when the abuser will not accept any wrongdoing? How can I start healing?
Thank you for sharing. Yes, absolutely you can! Healing is about you and not the other person lovely one. If you haven’t done any deep emotional processing before I do recommend you get some support.
I have a number of YouTube videos where I explain a lot about processing emotions and healing emotional wounds you can check out, here is a link: https://www.youtube.com/c/melanyoliver
Also, have a read of my blog post How to Acess & Heal Deep Emotional Wounds:
If my work resonates with you reach out to me on email email@example.com, I would love to share more about how I work.
I constantly spent my half an hour to read this web site’s content every day along with a mug of coffee.
This made me smile 🙂 I’m happy you enjoy my content! x