My Ayahuasca Awakening
July 20th, 2014
Quick note for those that don’t know: Ayahuaska is a sacred vine used in healing and spiritual ceremonies by Shamans mainly in South America.
I first heard about Ayahuasca when I was working in a festival as a massage therapist in my university days. I was intrigued and tempted to try it out, however I didn’t feel the people were genuine and it was not the right time or place for me. I had tried for a few years after this to go and do an Ayahuaska ceremony, but it just never happened. I guess I wasn’t ready, so I let it go. It was almost 8 years later that I started to get “the calling”. It was now time.. It’s strange as everything just fell into place. I manifested the money and managed to find a beautiful place very close to my home-town Salvador in Brasil, which I only discovered after I wasn’t able to go to Peru for the ceremony. It was all working out perfectly.. call it divine timing 🙂
I was never at any point anxious, nervous or even the slightest bit worried as I’ve heard some people talk about prior to their ceremony. I felt totally calm, excited and eager to just do it already, I had waited long enough for this!
On the evening of the ceremony I got my blanket and comfy clothes on and went up to the ceremony room at 9pm as instructed. We all chose our mattresses, then got our energy cleansed with Palo Santo by one of the facilitators. After we had all discussed our doses with our main facilitator, we then gathered in the middle of the ceremony room in a circle. We did a grounding meditation, called in our guides, protected and created a sacred place for our ceremony to take place then announced our intention for “Mother Ayahuaska” as people call her (don’t remember what my first intention was). Note; everyone who has done Ayahuasca always refers to Ayahuasca as “her” as it feels like a female energy.
I had heard the taste was horrible but to my surprise it actually tasted quite pleasant, almost like a thick tamarind tincture. I took my first dose and not much happened, in fact I may have even started to fall asleep a little. After about two hours our facilitator came round and asked if we needed a booster. I did indeed… not long after my booster I started to feel the effects, and it definitely was not pleasant. It hit me so strong, almost like an explosion took place inside me and I started to feel very sick, dizzy, nauseous and all of a sudden I could hear all the negative thoughts in my head.. “what are you doing to yourself.. look at you.. you’re useless, you always invent things to do and now you’ve lost it, just look at yourself, you’re useless, you’re screwed now.. and you think this is going to help you?”.. this went on for a good 10 or even 20mins, the longer it went on the worse I felt. It was horrible. I could feel the need to throw up coming and going, or maybe I was trying not to and didn’t fancy doing it in front of 14 people. This continued until I had the courage and strength to get up and make my way to the bathroom, which was just outside over a small bridge. I couldn’t quite keep my balance, it felt like the floor was moving and I was swaying slowing from side to side holding on to my bucket for dear life as I made my way to the doors. I pushed the door open and collapsed in a squat on the floor, holding one hand on the lower handrail of the bridge and the other of course holding up my bucket… and it all came out!!
To my surprise this was not like any drunk vomiting I had experienced before! This felt different.. it was clean and came from a place deep within (strange sensation).. it didn’t even smell or taste funny.. in fact for the first time in my life it actually felt so good to throw up!!
It had been pissing it down the whole day and continued throughout the night, so there I was getting wet whilst throwing up just next to the bathroom on the bridge. It felt like 20mins, I have no idea how long I was there. After a few minutes went by and I felt everything had settled, I got up and heard one of our facilitator ask me if I was ok, I nodded and said “yes, now I am”.
I made my way back to my mattress and lay down… finally my negative thoughts had subsided, I must have thrown it all up. After getting comfortable, so comfortable in fact I could not tell the difference between the mattress and myself, I came to realise I had been resisting for some time.. it was this uncomfortable resistance which seemed to last an eternity! It’s strange how the awareness grows on you. I was unable to just let go and allow Mother Ayahuasca to guide me. Finally at some point where I probably just got tired of resisting I let go. Again the awareness grew, until I realised I could hear the jungle! It was alive!! I could hear millions of insects, the rain, the wind, the birds, the thunder.. I mean literally everything, for miles and miles. I felt connected to everything. I felt the energy of the earth, of Mother Earth! I had a sensation that I was sinking into the earth, I was being cocooned and hugged.. the earth was embracing me. I have never felt so much love… I could have stayed like that forever and I did for some time. It was beautiful. I have never felt so connected to the Earth. I was completely present, listening and totally embraced in that moment. After some time I became aware of the music..
The last think I remember on my first journey was very clear. It was an image of my father looking at me, he was standing in front of a port, which in real life he does work in a port, and said to me “You can’t come in here now, you need a pass”. I said “I know that, can you give me a pass?” He repeated what he said and added, “maybe in a few hours or days but right now you can’t come in here”. I found this very odd and couldn’t figure it out until our discussion session the meaning behind this message. My whole first journey was about being present, being in the now rather than worrying about the future or being upset about the past.. it was all about experiencing being. This is my pass! In order for me to get the answers that I seek and even to where I want to be in life I need to just be more in the now. That’s it… I guess this one is easier said than done sometimes.
My intention for the second journey was how I could open up my intuition to help me with my work. I had also asked Mother Ayahuasca to go slowly with me and to be gentle.. and she did just that! She was so gentle that I barely noticed she was there until once again the awareness grew on me and I said to myself “oh she’s here”. I felt one with the music, I felt the love and oneness again with the Earth. This time I saw lots of images, I am not sure in which order but the first one I remember is a massive pencil, just there in the air.. this image appeared throughout my journey several times. It was only in our group discussion the following day that our facilitator mentioned for me to write more, write blogs, write about your insights… perhaps even try channel writing. This will somehow open up my intuition. The second image was one of me lighting a candle and meditating, everyday. I saw myself doing this and enjoying it, I was happy with a semi smile and so at peace in my daily meditation practice. The message was very clear, I need to be more disciplined with my meditation practice and actually enjoy it! This is true, I only meditate when I want to and feel like it, doing it everyday to me felt like a chore, so this has to change. The third was more of a feeling, I felt myself expand and fly out into the Universe. I was told that I need to connect more to the Cosmos. Again I was told I need to practice “presence” and just “being”. Especially when I am playing with the dogs. I got images of everything I accomplished and felt I needed to approve of myself more often. I was also told I need to open my heart more, not to be scared to love unconditionally regardless of my past hurts.. to give love freely!
On my third journey I asked about my path. This again was not a very pleasant journey.. I was sick twice I think and this time I stayed put and did it in the bucket provided! I had an information overload whilst coming up… there was so much information I was not able to process it all consciously. It was like 10 millions bits of information and images coming at you all at once. One of the first image that came up was of me walking forward with my heart open and light shining out of my heart that was lighting my path.. I then had a “knowing” almost like an energetic download saying that as long as I follow my heart I will be in the right path. I also saw an image of myself in the future teaching about consciousness, this was funny as I would have expected to teach about energy, not so much about consciousness. I saw a lot of my self-hatred, which was all over my skin, I could see it and feel it on my skin and I just wanted to get it off, not a nice feeling. Funnily enough most of my issues always comes out through my skin! I saw myself complaining a lot, which certainly has to change! Even though I didn’t ask for this I saw that I was protecting myself from abundance. It was as if, if I had too much of it I would not be able to handle it. I got so many images and insights and the main message for me is to practice being present again and what’s going to help me with that is to be more disciplined with my meditation practice. I need to do this from a place of joy and not “chore”.
The fourth and final ceremony was done during the day and was all about connecting to the elements, to the earth, which I loved. It was a very peaceful and relaxing experience. I felt so much energy from all the elements it was incredible. I went swimming and immersed myself in the pond, allowing the water to cleanse me, connected to the trees and became one with the earth. I even got some wisdom from the rocks by the pond!
I left with a feeling that Ayahuasca didn’t give me what I came for, but indeed she gave me enough to work on. After this experience I spent 3 weeks not feeling so great, I guess I was still cleansing and my energies were re-structuring after the intense release of old patterns and new downloads. About a month after the retreat the dreams and insights started. I just “knew” things, my intuition increased by ten fold whilst working with clients and I started waking up in the middle of the night with insights about people, clients and even to do with my own work / business. I was waking up at odd hours, 3, 2 even 5am.. wide awake with crystal clear insights, ideas and all sorts! This was probably the best part for me. The feeling of connection to your intuition is inexplicable, its just a knowing, a “sureness” of things and it feels good to follow your own guidance and know you are on the right path and receiving guidance from your soul!
After few months went by I understood more the energy and physical cleansing that happened, the messages and other insights that have come to me. I need to do my homework now and prepare for myself for my next journey. I have learned not to have expectations, that Mother Ayahuasca is a very wise plant and will show you what’s important at the moment and give you what you need. I am now preparing to journey on a much deeper soul level in which I would like to explore. So let’s see how my path lights up..
Hi, I'm Melany...
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